September 11, 2016

Conflict Resolution (Part 1)

Preacher: Josh Tancordo Series: Doing Church Biblically Scripture: Matthew 7:1–5

Conflict Resolution Part 1 – When We Wrong Others

This morning, we’re going to continue our sermon series on “Doing Church Biblically.” Typically, our sermons will go passage by passage through a particular book of the Bible. But these sermons are a bit unique because they’re really functioning as a church membership class that’s designed to prepare those who are interested to start Redeeming Grace Church on October 23. And so, instead of going through a book of the Bible, these sermons are aimed at specific topics related to church membership. 

And for these next two Sundays, we’re going to be talking about conflict resolution. Because it’s not a question of if conflict will come to our group. It will come. It’s simply a question of when it’ll come and how we’ll handle it when it does come. Not long ago, I visited that ice cream shop at the end of Beck’s Run Road called Paige’s mainly because I wanted to see what all the hype was about. Whenever I drove by, there would always be a long line standing outside. Like it would be raining on a Tuesday evening, and there would still be like twenty people waiting for ice cream. So I decided to try it and I got this special dish that they’re known for. I consisted of an oven-hot jumbo size chocolate chip cookie, fudge syrup, vanilla ice cream, and whipped cream, all in a dish about this big. Even if you’ve never eaten there, when you think about those ingredients, you understand there’s no way that can’t be good. With those ingredients, it will be good. And when you think about the different people that come together to form a church family, you realize that there’s going to be conflict once in a while. It can’t not happen. Think about it. Think about the different perspectives members have, the different life experiences, the different personalities, and different preferences. And on top of that, think about the fact that we all have sinful desires and the sinful tendency to put ourselves first. Whenever you put people together like that, you have a recipe for conflict. So rest assured, if you’re actively involved in this church, people will rub you the wrong way, they’ll get on your nerves, and they’ll sometimes say things and do things against you. I can personally guarantee each of those things, or your money back. Actually we won’t do that because it will happen.

But even though conflict is inevitable, God desires that when conflicts do arise, we resolve them and be reconciled to each other. After all, many of the ways we often respond to conflict ignores God’s instructions to love each other. Like we talked about a few weeks ago, Jesus says in John 13:34-35, “A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.” And also, when Christians are bitterly embroiled in a conflict with each other, that hurts their gospel testimony. Nobody wants to hear what they have to say about the reconciling love of Jesus if they can’t even be reconciled to each other. 

Thankfully, however, God has given us a wonderful model and motivation for conflict resolution in the gospel. The gospel is the foundation for conflict resolution. First, it gives us a model for resolving conflicts. When we were self-proclaimed enemies of God and cut off from a close relationship with him because of our sin, God took the initiative to repair that relationship. He took the initiative to reconcile us and restore that broken relationship by sending Jesus to die for our sins. And because Jesus took the penalty for our sins—the penalty we deserved, the Bible says we can have peace with God through Jesus. Romans 5:1 states, “Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ.” Also, 2 Corinthians 5:18-21 says, “All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation; that is, in Christ God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them.” So Christianity is really all about reconciliation. God has reconciled us to himself through Christ, as we put our faith in him. What a model of reconciliation. 

And then secondly, the gospel not only gives us a model for resolving conflicts, it also gives us motivation for resolving them. As we think about how God loved us even when we did so much against him, it softens our hearts and helps us love others even when they do things against us. I mean, really: if we truly understand how God has forgiven us, how is it even possible for us to withhold that forgiveness from others?

So now, after that extended introduction, here’s what I’d like to look at. There are always two parts to conflict resolution: responding honestly to what we do against others, and responding lovingly to what others do against us. So we’re going to take this Sunday and next Sunday to look at those two elements. This Sunday, we’ll look at the first one: responding honestly to what we do against others. Because even if it’s obvious that the other person has acted inappropriately and has wronged us, chances are we’ve probably responded poorly to their sin and therefore share some of the responsibility for the conflict. So this week, we’re going to take a hard look at ourselves. Here’s the main point I’d like to drive home today: conflict resolution begins with being honest about our own contributions to the conflict. Conflict resolution begins with being honest about our own contributions to the conflict.

Please turn with me in your Bible to Matthew 7, or it will be on the screen. If you’re using the Story Bibles we provide, that’s on page 672. Matthew 7:1-5: “Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you. Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye.

So this text brings two things to our attention, and these two points are what we’ll spend the rest of our time talking about. Number one, resisting hypocritical judgment. And number two, removing the log from your own eye.

Resisting Hypocritical Judgment

So first, resisting hypocritical judgment. Jesus says in verse 1, “Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you.” Now typically, people in our society use this verse they’re favorite trump verse. Kind of like a trump card in a card game is the card that outranks everything else. Well, this verse is often used as the ultimate trump verse. Whenever someone brings an issue to your attention that makes you a little bit uncomfortable, you can just reach into your back pocket, pull out this verse, and shut down the conversation. “Judge not, that you be not judged.” But that’s not really what God intended. As one preacher said, “Twist not Scripture, that you be not like the devil.” 

In reality, Jesus isn’t prohibiting us from all kinds of judgment or analysis of other people. In fact, later on in this same chapter, he warns his listeners to “Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep's clothing but inwardly are ravenous wolves. You will recognize them by their fruits.”  In other words, you’ll know if their message is true by examining their fruit, by examining the kind of life they live.  And it’s kind of hard to do that without arriving at some kind of judgment about them. In addition, in John 7:24, Jesus commands a hostile crowd, “Do not judge by appearances, but judge with right judgment.”  So in that verse, he specifically commands then to judge.  So what does Jesus mean when he says, “judge not” here in Matthew 7:1? 

Well, when we look at the context, we see that Jesus is only prohibiting a certain kind of judgment, a hypocritical judgment—the kind of judgment that magnifies the faults of others while ignoring our own faults. Because isn’t that our tendency—being keenly aware of other people’s faults but blind to our own faults? A couple months ago, our family was sitting at the dinner table, and my three-year-old son Caleb gave me some friendly advice about eating. He said, “Daddy, please chew with your mouth closed.” What do you say to something like that? First of all, I had no idea that my eating habits were so obnoxious that even my three-year-old son would be offended. And second, he’s one to talk about table manners. During any given dinnertime, half his food ends up on the floor and he’s got his finger jammed up his nose. And he’s talking to me about my manners? Come on. But isn’t that the way we are—keenly aware of other people’s thoughts but blind to our own? And that’s the kind of judgment Jesus is prohibiting here in Matthew 7. And he says, “Be careful, because God may just use that same strict, hyper-sensitive standard of judgment on you that you’re using on others.”

Removing the Log from Your Own Eye

And then, he talks about log removal, because log removal is something we all need training on. So that’s the second point this morning, removing the log from your own eye. Look what Jesus says in verse 3, “Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye.” So Jesus isn’t saying “your brother” doesn’t have a speck in his eye. He probably does. But Jesus says, “First pay attention to yourself and fix your own issues before you try to point out your brother’s issues. Remove the log from your own eye.” And that involves two things. 

Repenting before God

First, repenting of your sin before God. That’s the first step to log removal. All sin is ultimately committed against God, and so the first step of setting things right is repenting before God. Now keep in mind that repentance doesn’t just mean feeling sorry for our sin. You can feel sorry about something without truly repenting. When I was a child, there were a lot of times where I would do something wrong and be very sorry for it afterwards—mainly because I would get caught and my dad would spank me. Some parents don’t believe in spankings, but my dad definitely was not one of those parents. So those spankings would make me very sorry that I had been disobedient, but that wasn’t true repentance because I was only sorry about the consequences.

And even if I had been sorry for the sin itself rather than just sorry for its consequences, even that wouldn’t have been full repentance—because another thing repentance requires is that we intend to change. Now of course, when I disobeyed as a child and received a spanking, there was always one thing I wanted to change: being sneakier with my disobedience so I wouldn’t get caught next time. But other than that, I usually didn’t plan on changing in any significant way. And because of that—because I usually didn’t have any intention of genuinely changing my life—it wasn’t true repentance. 

True repentance is about admitting our sin, having the appropriate attitude towards that sin, and purposing in our heart to change. And really, only the Holy Spirit can bring about that kind of response. True repentance is only possible with the Holy Spirit. And then, if the repentance is genuine, it’ll show up in our lives. So that’s the first step to removing the log from our own eye. After recognizing that the log is there, we have to repent of that sin before God. 

Confessing to Others

And then the other thing that’s involved in log removal, and usually the more difficult thing, is confessing our sin to the person we’ve sinned against. Own up to what you’ve done or to how you’ve responded poorly. And a man named Ken Sande gives us some really good advice about how to do this in his book The Peacemaker. Ken lays out what he calls the “Seven A’s of Confession.”

First, he says, address everyone involved. If you’ve done something that’s affected more than one person, then everyone who’s been affected needs to hear your confession. That means if your sin is habitual gossip, you probably need to apologize before the whole church. Or whatever the sin is, a good rule of thumb is that the circle of confession needs to be as wide as the circle of offense. In a church I used to attend, there was this one guy who apparently had a bit of a temper, and after the church service one day, I’m not sure exactly what happened, but he just blew up on another guy in the church, and a lot of people saw it. So the next Sunday, he apologized before the whole church, and I thought that was very appropriate. So number one, address everyone involved.

Number two, avoid “if,” “but,” and “maybe.” These are the words you absolutely do not want to use in an apology. I’ve only been married for a little over five years, but even I know that if I use those words in my apology, it’s probably not going to go very well for me. “Honey, I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings, but you’re just so sensitive sometimes.” Not the best thing to say. So avoid those words “if,” “but,” and “maybe.”

Number three, admit your wrongdoing specifically. It’s not enough to apologize for “everything I’ve done against you” or “all the bone-headed decisions I’ve made.” Show them that you understand exactly what those bone-headed decisions were and why you need to be sorry for them. They know what you did, but they need to know that you know what you did.

Number four, acknowledge the hurt. Put yourself in their shoes and think about how they must be feeling, and then say something that shows you understand. Show that you understand how your action harmed the person. Show some remorse for the pain and difficulty it caused. 

Then number five, accept the consequences. Accept that it may take some time for you to earn back that person’s full level of trust. Accept responsibility for any material damage you’ve done and try to make restitution for that. Actions have consequences, and if you’re really sorry, a good way to show your sincerity is by accepting those consequences.

After that, number six is alter your behavior. Have you ever had someone tell you they were sorry for doing something only to do it again soon after? And perhaps the second offense was followed by a second apology, but then, lo and behold, it happens again? I’m guessing that after two or three cycles of that, their apology probably wouldn’t mean very much to you. If you’re really sorry, you’ll change your behavior.

And finally, number seven, ask forgiveness. You need to directly and specifically ask their forgiveness for what you’ve done. Now, keep in mind that, depending on how serious the offense was, it may take some time for them to forgive you. So for a more significant offense, don’t expect them to be ready to fully forgive you and move on with life five seconds after you ask. But you do need to ask. 

Conclusion

So those are the “Seven A’s of Confession.” And just because Ken Sande has alliterated them nicely and packaged them in easily-digestible nuggets, that doesn’t make them easy. It’s often quite difficult to confess wrongdoing to someone else and be honest about our own contributions to a conflict. But that’s the first step to resolving a conflict. And when you think about it, the more you truly grasp the gospel, the easier you should find it to confess wrongdoing to others. You see, the gospel frees us to admit that we don’t have it all together. 

One of the reasons I think people so often have difficulty confessing their contributions to a conflict and really owning up to any kind of wrongdoing is that we’re desperately trying to be the kind of people who have it all together. We want to prove to others that we have it all together, we want to prove to God that we have it all together, and we want to prove to ourselves that we have it all together. It’s like we’re continuously building our resume for the world to see. When you’re building a resume, what do you do? You try to emphasize your strengths and minimize your weaknesses and paint this wonderful picture of yourself. You want to make yourself look as good as possible. And that may work okay for a resume, as long as we’re not deceptive, but we often try to live life that way as well. We want prove to others, to God, and to ourselves that we have it all together. And it can get to the point where we’re basically enslaved by that desire to prove ourselves.

Thankfully, however, the gospel frees us from that bondage. You see, the gospel isn’t about human achievement. It’s not about what I can do to impress God or earning a place in heaven by being “good enough” for God. Instead, the gospel tells us that Jesus was already good enough in our place. He lived a perfect life that fully satisfied God’s standard of righteousness, and then he died on the cross to take the penalty for all the ways we failed to satisfy that standard. And by putting our trust in him, we can enjoy the benefits of everything he did on our behalf. We don’t have to earn it. We don’t have to achieve it. We just have to humble ourselves enough to receive it as a free gift. And when we do that, it frees us from our achievement-based, merit-based mentality. All of a sudden, we don’t have to prove ourselves anymore. We don’t have to have it all together. We’re free from that bondage. And, because of then, when we do wrong against someone else, we should feel the freedom to go to them and confess our wrongdoing and freely admit that we’ve screwed up. Because it’s okay that we’ve screwed up since Jesus died for screw-ups like us. So I would even challenge you to ask yourself this morning, “Is there anybody that I’ve wronged that I need to confess that wrongdoing to? Or is there any situation in which I’ve been wronged but then responded poorly that I need to make right?” Embrace the freedom the gospel gives you be honest with God, yourself, and others about how you’ve contributed to a conflict.

other sermons in this series

Feb 28

2021

Matthew 26: The Lords Supper

Preacher: Josh Tancordo Scripture: Matthew 26:26–29 Series: Doing Church Biblically

Oct 16

2016

Trusting in Man vs. Trusting in God

Preacher: Josh Tancordo Scripture: Jeremiah 17:5–10 Series: Doing Church Biblically

Oct 9

2016