Conflict Resolution (Part 2)

Conflict Resolution (Part 2) – Being a Peacemaker When Others Wrong Us

This morning, we’re going to continue our sermon series on “Doing Church Biblically.” Typically, our sermons will go passage by passage through a particular book of the Bible. But these sermons are a bit unique because they’re really functioning as a church membership class that’s designed to prepare those who are interested to start Redeeming Grace Church on October 23. And so, instead of going through a book of the Bible, these sermons are aimed at specific topics related to church membership. 

And if you remember, last week we began talking about conflict resolution. Because it’s not a question of if conflicts will come to our church. They will come. It’s simply a question of when they’ll come and how we’ll handle them when they do come. So last week we talked about owning up to our part of the conflict and confessing ways in which we’ve wronged others. This week, though, we’re going to talk about how to respond properly when others do something against us. And the main idea of this sermon comes from Jesus’ words in Matthew 5:9. He says, “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God.” “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God.” So this morning, we’re going to really dig down into that concept of being a peacemaker and talk about being a peacemaker when others wrong us.

You know, the Bible has a lot to say about being a peacemaker. In 2 Corinthians 13:11, Paul tells his readers, “Aim for restoration, comfort one another, agree with one another, live in peace; and the God of love and peace will be with you.” And James 3:17-18 states, “But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. Peacemakers who sow in peace reap a harvest of righteousness.”

It’s good to be a peacemaker. And yet, it’s also very difficult to be a peacemaker. I was talking with several of you last week about how, when someone wrongs us, we often feel so justified in being angry with them and trying to punish them in various ways. It reminds me of a movie I recently saw, the latest Jason Bourne movie about a former CIA black ops operative. Now for a guy who likes suspenseful plots the way I do, there are a lot of good scenes in that movie. But at the same time, it seems like most of the main characters in the movie are driven by a desire for revenge. Both the CIA director and the CIA assassin or “asset” were trying to get revenge on Jason Borne for his role in exposing the CIA’s illegal black ops program. And then, Borne was also trying to get revenge on both of them for their role in killing his father. So really, a good portion of the plot is basically people being dominated by a desire for revenge and acting out on that desire by trying to kill each other. And you know what? We may not have all the cool CIA moves that Jason Borne had, and we may not be willing to go as far as people in that movie were willing to go, but so often, we have that same inclination towards bitterness, anger, and revenge. And even if we have the kind of personality that often expresses those things indirectly as opposed to directly, they’re still just as real. But God calls us to be a peacemaker even when it’s difficult. 

Ken Sande, the author of The Peacemaker book I referenced last week, talks about how when someone sins against you, you inevitably become one of three things: a “peacefaker,” a “peacebreaker,” or a “peacemaker.” A “peacefaker” is someone who tries to avoid conflict by pretending problems don’t really exist or by running away from difficult relationships or conversations. A “peacebreaker” has the opposite problem.  They try to intimidate or overpower their opponents through forceful arguments, threats, or aggressive action. And then a “peacemaker,” which is what we should strive to be, works toward genuine reconciliation and attempts to restore broken relationships. So this morning, we’re going to look at how to be a peacemaker. There are three ways a true peacemaker responds to wrongdoing: overlooking if possible, confronting if necessary, and forgiving as you’ve been forgiven.

Overlooking if Possible

First, overlooking if possible. Just overlook the offense. Don’t make a big deal about it. Just let it go. And while we may not be able to do that in every situation, we can probably do that in at least 90% of situations. Proverbs 10:12 states that “Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all offenses.” And Proverbs 19:11 tell us that “Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense.”

Whenever someone sins against you, you might find it helpful to ask you yourself this question. “What’s stopping me from simply overlooking this offense?” Is it pride? Perhaps I have an inflated view of my own importance that causes me to resent anyone who doesn’t recognize my importance. Several years ago, I used to work as a door-to-door salesperson. I worked for an Internet company and would knock on people’s doors trying to sell them an Internet service. And in the five or six months I spent doing that, there were a few people who were exceptionally rude to me. I mean, I understand that many people won’t be very excited and will perhaps even be mildly annoyed when a stranger knocks on their door, but some people were just downright nasty. It was really unnecessary I thought. And sometimes, to be honest, it would kind of get under my skin a little bit. I found myself thinking about that person and replaying their nasty response in my mind numerous times throughout the rest of that day and sometimes even a little bit the next day. And I would imagine different things I could have said to them to cleverly insult them and cut them down in an indirect way and make them appear foolish. And there were one or two instances in which I even thought quickly enough in the moment to actually say my clever insult to the person with a condescending smile on my face and then walk away before they had a chance to respond. Looking back on that, I think the reason I didn’t just overlook those offenses was simply my pride. They wounded my pride, and I wanted to respond by wounding them. So as you think about the question, “What’s keeping me from simply overlooking this offense?”, ask yourself, “Is it pride?” If so, you may need to humble yourself and remind yourself that the gospel puts you in the position of receiver rather than achiever. The gospel should make you humble.

You also may want to ask, “Is it self-righteousness that’s keeping me from overlooking the offense?” Perhaps you’re acting as if wrongs should never be forgiven, and yet all the while, you’re conveniently forgetting all the times in your life you’ve wronged others and, ultimately, wronged God. If so, you’d do well to remember that God has been ever so gracious in dealing with you and your sin. So is it self-righteousness? 

And then lastly, is it idolatry? Perhaps you’re finding it difficult to overlook an offense because you’ve been valuing something more than you value God, and this person has taken away that from you. Leisure time, a material possession, you’re boss’s favor—whatever it may be. I once heard someone describe an idol as something you’ll sin in order to get and sin if you don’t get. That’s how you know something’s become an idol. And one way we’ll sin if we don’t get our idol is by refusing to overlook someone’s offense. And in that situation, we need to remind ourselves that Jesus is the greatest treasure and the only one worth spending our lives pursuing. 

Confronting if Necessary

So when someone wrongs you, you should be able to simply overlook their wrong at least 90% of the time. But sometimes, the offense is too significant to overlook. And so the second way a peacemaker responds to wrongdoing is by confronting if necessary. So overlook if possible, but confront if necessary, obviously doing that with humility and love. 

So how do you know when an offense rises to that level and necessitates you having a conversation with the offender? Again, Ken Sande helps us with this. Ask yourself, is it dishonoring to God? If the offender claims to be a Christian and is sinning in a very significant and public way, God’s reputation is being dragged through the mud, and we don’t want that to happen. Also, is it damaging your relationship? Do you find it difficult to stop thinking about even after a few days? If so, you probably need to address it. In addition, is it hurting others? We don’t want to allow this person to continue causing harm to people around them. And lastly, is it hurting the offender? Of course, a person’s sin always hurts them in the end, but is it hurting them in a way that’s significant enough for you to confront them? 

If the offense meets one of those qualifications, then you need to go to them. It may be uncomfortable, but it’s biblical, and it’s loving. As we looked at a few weeks ago, Jesus tells us in Matthew 18:15, “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone.” Now, notice what Jesus doesn’t say: “Go and talk about it to others.” No, he says, “Go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone.”

I was reading this article recently on a website called “The Babylon Bee.” And those of you who know how much I like the Babylon Bee are going, “Oh man, there he goes quoting that thing again.” But I couldn’t resist because this article makes a good point. Now, this article is satirical, which means that it’s entirely made up, but it’s intended to illustrate a real-life truth in a humorous way. It’s entitled, “Drama Still Tragically Following Local Woman Who Just Hates Drama.” “ALBUQUERQUE, NM—Local woman Yolanda Martinez, 27, confirmed Wednesday that drama is still tragically following her around, despite her constant declarations that she just totally hates drama. “I just don’t get why I’m always in the middle of things,” Martinez lamented to two of her friends from church over a three-way Skype call, in which the trio was reportedly discussing a suspected extramarital affair of a woman who wasn’t present for the conversation. “By the way, do you think I should tell her husband about our suspicions? It’s only fair to him after all.” Her home church, Blue Sky Bible Fellowship, corroborated her story, claiming that drama just won’t leave her alone, even though she clearly tells everyone how much she detests drama while she stirs it up. “It’s really strange,” [pastor] Bryan White told reporters. “I mean, she says she doesn’t like being in the middle of things, and yet there she is tragically caught right in the middle of things. Please keep her in your prayers.” 

Now, I think the reason that’s mildly entertaining is because we all know people like that—people who constantly complain about drama following them wherever they go, but really, they’re the one stirring it up. And here’s the thing: even if we don’t struggle with gossip quite as much as Yolanda in this fictional article did, we still share things we have no business sharing. And it’s especially tempting to do that when somebody does something against us. Instead of going to the person and bringing the issue to their attention the way Jesus instructs us to do in Matthew 18, it’s so easy just to talk to others about it and complain and make the person look bad. But listen to what Proverbs says about doing that. Proverbs 10:18 states, “He who conceals his hatred has lying lips, and whoever spreads slander is a fool.” And Proverbs 16:28: “A perverse man stirs up dissension, and a gossip separates close friends.” You know, gossiping to others instead of confronting the person who wrongs you is kind of like scratching poison ivy. You’re just making things worse. You’re just stirring stuff up. It’s either because you’re being cowardly or just generally unloving. Either way, you’re not helping the situation. 

You may have heard the classic story about the man who thoughtlessly spread gossip around the village he lived in. And he did it habitually. He was always talking about the latest juicy nuggets of information he would pick up from various places. But one day, he began to feel guilty about his habit of spreading gossip. So he went to an elderly man in the town who was known for his wisdom and asked, “What should I do to make things right?” The elderly man responded, “Go home, get one of your feather pillows, and meet me on top of that high hill over there.” So the man did, and the two of them met on top of the hill, and the elderly man said, “Okay, now rip open the pillow and wave the pillowcase around so that all the feathers come out.” The man did that, and immediately the gusts of wind on top of the hill carried the feathers away. Then the elderly gentleman said, “Now go and gather all those feathers and put them back in the pillowcase.” And of course, the guys was like, “I can’t; that’s impossible,” to which the elderly man responded, “You’re right, and it’s the same way with your careless words. Once you speak them, you can’t take them back.” And when you think about it, that’s all too true. When we gossip about someone, we’ve done irreparable damage.  We may be able to ask that person’s forgiveness and try to track down the people we’ve told, but we’ll never be able to put all of the feathers back in the pillow. The damage has been done. 

When someone does something against you and you determine you can’t overlook it, the right thing to do is go to them directly and confront them. And that word “confront” may actually not be the best word to use, because it’s not like we’re going to them in an “in your face” kind of way. One of the characteristics of confrontation is that it should always be loving. Ephesians 4:15 tells us to “speak the truth in love.” Be gracious. Show that you care about them, not just about you. Confrontation should also be wise. Engage them in conversation, rather than just getting on your soap box and preaching to them. Maybe you could use a story or a metaphor to help them see what they’ve done wrong. Third, be humble in your confrontation. Talk from beside them as their equal, not from above them as their superior. And finally, but restorative. Remember that your goal isn’t to beat them up like a punching bag. The goal of confronting them is for your relationship to be restored.

Forgiving as You’ve Been Forgiven

And then, the third way a peacemaker responds to wrongdoing is by forgiving as they’ve been forgiven. So overlook if possible, confront if necessary, and forgive as you’ve been forgiven. Now, a lot of times, we can be guilty of what I’ll call “fake forgiveness.” Maybe we say we forgive someone and put on a polite face when we’re around them, but we’re actually continuing to harbor bitterness in our heart. And maybe we express that by sort of keeping them at an arm’s length in order to punish them. Maybe we even continue to gossip about them. Ask yourself, what if God “forgave” you that way?  I don’t think you’d like that very much. So don’t do that. Forgive the person sincerely, from your heart. Now, keep in mind that forgiveness isn’t a feeling. You can decide to forgive without necessarily “feeling” it. Forgiveness is also not totally forgetting about someone’s sin so that you literally don’t even remember it happened. That’s pretty unrealistic. And also, forgiveness certainly doesn’t entail excusing their sin. But here’s what forgiveness does entail. Yet again, our good friend Ken Sande comes through for us by outlining the four promises of forgiveness. 

Number one, “I will not dwell on the incident.” That is, I won’t keep thinking about it and replaying it over and over in my mind. Number two, “I will not bring up this incident again and use it against you.” I’m sure none of you married people have ever done that in your marriage—using what your spouse did a few months ago or even a few years ago as ammunition for a current argument. Number three, “I will not talk to others about this incident.” Back to what we said about gossip. And number four, “I will not let this incident stand between us or hinder our personal relationship.” I’m not going to give you the silent treatment or hold you at arm’s length as a result of this. 

And listen to me here. Please get this: the ultimate reason we should practice this kind of forgiveness is because this is the way God has forgiven us. I know we’ve been jumping around in the Bible a lot this morning, but let me read one extended passage. Please open you Bible to Matthew 18. You may remember what we talked about Matthew 18 extensively a few weeks ago with reference to responding to unrepentant sin in the church. Well, right after Jesus gives instructions about that, he says this, verses 21-35: 

Then Peter came up and said to him, "Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?" Jesus said to him, "I do not say to you seven times, but seventy-seven times. "Therefore the kingdom of heaven may be compared to a king who wished to settle accounts with his servants. When he began to settle, one was brought to him who owed him ten thousand talents (that is, millions of dollars). And since he could not pay, his master ordered him to be sold, with his wife and children and all that he had, and payment to be made. So the servant fell on his knees, imploring him, 'Have patience with me, and I will pay you everything.' And out of pity for him, the master of that servant released him and forgave him the debt. But when that same servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii (that is, just a few dollars), and seizing him, he began to choke him, saying, 'Pay what you owe.' So his fellow servant fell down and pleaded with him, 'Have patience with me, and I will pay you.' He refused and went and put him in prison until he should pay the debt. When his fellow servants saw what had taken place, they were greatly distressed, and they went and reported to their master all that had taken place. Then his master summoned him and said to him, 'You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you pleaded with me. And should not you have had mercy on your fellow servant, as I had mercy on you?' And in anger his master delivered him to the jailers, until he should pay all his debt. So also my heavenly Father will do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother from your heart." 

So do you see what happened here? It would be like someone today who had a bad gambling problem being forgiven for millions of dollars of debt he had accumulated. But then, he turns around and takes a baseball bat to the kneecaps of someone who owes him a few hundred dollars. It’s unthinkable. And yet, we’re doing something very similar when we refuse to forgive someone who’s wronged us. 

Think for a moment of all the things we’ve done against God. Every proud thought, every selfish motive, every bit of ungratefulness, in addition to all of our more obvious acts of rebellion. I’m reminded of Romans 3:10-18: “As it is written: None is righteous, no, not one; no one understands; no one seeks for God. All have turned aside; together they have become worthless; no one does good, not even one. Their throat is an open grave; they use their tongues to deceive. The venom of asps is under their lips. Their mouth is full of curses and bitterness. Their feet are swift to shed blood; in their paths are ruin and misery, and the way of peace they have not known. There is no fear of God before their eyes.” So this is how we repay God for all of his goodness towards us? God created us, breathed life into us, and has given us blessing on top of blessing. And we rebel against him? That’s pretty messed up. 

And yet, God offers us full forgiveness of all of those sins through Jesus. Isaiah 53:5-6 says, with reference to Jesus, “But he was pierced for our transgressions; he was crushed for our iniquities; upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace, and with his wounds we are healed. All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned—every one—to his own way; and the LORD has laid on him the iniquity of us all.” So, you see, Jesus was “pierced for our transgressions” and “crushed for our iniquities.” That means he took the penalty for all of our sins against God.  Someone had to pay for all of those sins. And Jesus paid for them on the cross so we wouldn’t have to pay for them in hell. And then Jesus victoriously resurrected from the dead so that everyone who directs their trust toward him can be completely, 100% forgiven. It’s pretty amazing. And so, if we’re having trouble forgiving others, the real problem is probably that we’re not fully conscious of how God has forgiven us. And perhaps it’s even the case that we haven’t truly experienced that forgiveness yet. But God offers it, even today.