Colossians 3:18-21: A Blueprint for Blessing

Colossians 3:18-21: A Blueprint for Blessing

We’ve been working our way passage by passage through Paul’s letter to the Colossians, and today the next passage we come to is Colossians 3:18-21. Hear now the words of the Living and True God:

¹⁸ Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. ¹⁹ Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them. ²⁰ Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord. ²¹ Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.

May God bless the reading of his Word.

Let’s pray: Father, we’re taught that the heavens and earth will pass away but that your words will never pass away. They’re eternally true, eternally relevant, and eternally powerful. So, help us to see the truth of this text and understand its relevance and experience its power. In Jesus’ name we pray, amen.

This past September, a bridge in China called the Huajiang Grand Canyon Bridge was completed. This bridge is suspended 2,051 feet above the bottom of the canyon, which makes it the highest bridge in the world. It’s also nearly a mile long. And as you might imagine, building this bridge was no easy feat. It took nearly four years to construct and presented builders with a lot of unique challenges. For example, the wind at that height is quite strong, so it was necessary to use special wind deflectors and stabilizing plates. It was also necessary to utilize a special temperature control system to manage the temperature of the new concrete that was being poured. So, suffice it to say that this bridge is a marvel of modern engineering.

However, let’s say theoretically that some of the construction workers decided one day that they wanted to build the bridge their own way. So, instead of following the detailed blueprints given to them by the engineers, they just did whatever made the most sense to them. Instead of using the cables specified in the blueprints, they used another kind of cable that was easier to put up. Instead of placing the two main towers of the bridge exactly where the blueprints showed them, they placed them in more convenient locations. Now, I don’t know about you, but if I were aware that the builders did something like that, there’s no way I’d drive across that bridge—because in order for a bridge to be structurally sound, it’s vital that the builders follow the blueprints.

Similarly, in the pages of the Bible, God’s given us blueprints for life. He’s spelled out for us how to live in a way that results in the greatest blessing. And that’s what we find here in Colossians 3:18-21 with regard to family relationships. These verses show us God’s blueprints for how the individual members of a family should relate to one another so as to enjoy the greatest possible blessing.

Unfortunately, though, people often think they know better than God—even though God’s the one who designed this entire universe—and therefore they often do whatever makes the most sense to them. Perhaps it’s what they saw modeled as a child or what a popular YouTube influencer says to do. Regardless, they depart from God’s blueprint for how families should function.

Yet if we want to experience God’s blessing, we’ll follow God’s blueprints. And this passage—although it’s very concise—gives us some of the basic features of those blueprints for families. So, the main idea of this passage is that God gives us blueprints for blessing in our family relationships. Again, God gives us blueprints for blessing in our family relationships. I’m sure we all desire to experience blessing in our families. Well, these verses show us how we can experience the greatest possible blessing.

Now, the first two verses are about how a husband and wife should relate to each other. And before we dive into these verses, let me first say something about how these verses are going to offer us an alternative to both the feminism and the chauvinism that we see and have historically seen in society. Both the feminism of the past 60 years and the chauvinism of most of the rest of history are distortions of the beautiful way God intended married couples to relate to each other.

And they both have their roots in the events of Genesis 3. In Genesis 3, the first humans, Adam and Eve, rebel against God and thereby plunge themselves and all of creation into a state of brokenness and dysfunction. God also pronounces a series of curses on them in response to their rebellion, and one of those curses is found in Genesis 3:16. God says to Eve—and, by implication, all of her posterity after her—“Your desire shall be contrary to your husband, but he shall rule over you.” And it’s in those words that we find the seeds of both feminism and chauvinism.

When God says, “Your desire shall be contrary to your husband,” he’s talking about a desire to usurp her husband’s authority. That’s feminism. Then, the roots of chauvinism are described in the very next part of the sentence: “he shall rule over you.” That word “rule,” in this context, refers to the husband sinfully seeking to rule over his wife in a domineering and tyrannical way, acting like a king rather than a servant leader. That’s chauvinism.

So, this is where both feminism and chauvinism originated—in the aftermath and as a direct consequence of humanity rebelling against God. That’s why we can be sure that both feminism and chauvinism fall tragically short of God’s original design for humanity. God’s design is for something else entirely—and it’s a breathtakingly beautiful design that promotes human flourishing exponentially more than any human distortion of that design could ever do.

So, with that in mind, let’s look at some of the basic features of that design as we find them in our main passage of Colossians 3. Looking first at verse 18, Paul writes, “Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.” Now, obviously, this isn’t exactly the most politically correct verse in the Bible. Yet let’s remember that God knows what’s best for us far better than we do. So, even if we don’t fully understand all of the reasons for God’s instructions, it’s still in our own best interest to follow his blueprint. And as we see, that blueprint involves wives submitting to their husbands.

And before we explore what submission means, I think it would be helpful to clarify what submission doesn’t mean. So, let me briefly give you five things submission doesn’t mean. First, it doesn’t mean accepting an inferior status. The Bible’s clear that both men and women are created in God’s image and therefore are equal in value, dignity, and worth. Although husbands and wives are called to function in different roles in the marriage relationship, that doesn’t imply any difference in their intrinsic value. So, understand that someone’s functional role and their intrinsic value are two distinct things.

And the place where we see this exemplified the most clearly is in the Trinity. The Bible teaches that Jesus is just as much God as the Father is God. Both of them are equally God and therefore equal in value. Yet the Bible also teaches that Jesus submits to the Father’s will. So, the fact that the Father and Son are different in function doesn’t in any way imply that they’re not equal in value. And that’s also true of a husband and wife. Submission in no way implies inferiority.

Then, secondly, submission doesn’t mean enduring abuse. The concept of submission should never be used to justify a wife putting up with an abusive husband or living in a house where she’s repeatedly the victim of abuse. As we see in this passage of Scripture as well as numerous other passages, the Bible envisions wives submitting to loving husbands rather than abusive husbands.

Third, submission doesn’t mean following your husband into sin. Any time a husband leads his wife in a direction that’s plainly unbiblical, it’s not only the wife’s right but also her duty to refuse to follow him. We can clearly see this in Acts 5:29, where the apostles say to the governing authorities who had told them to stop spreading the gospel, “We must obey God rather than men.” Our ultimate allegiance must be to God rather than to our earthly authorities.

Fourth, submission doesn’t mean having no part in the decision-making process. Notice, in our main passage, that the responsibility Paul assigns to wives is different than the one he assigns to children. He tells children to obey, whereas he tells wives to submit—implying that submission is quite distinct from obedience. Unlike obedience, submission involves collaboration. God’s design is for husbands and wives to make decisions collaboratively and only resort to the wife submitting to her husband if their collaborative efforts don’t result in agreement. And I’ll just say that, personally, I actually can’t remember any time Becky and I have ever had to resort to that. In every situation in which we’ve had to make a decision, we’ve always been able to discuss it and come to an agreement together about what’s best. So, submission doesn’t in any way preclude the wife from being a full participant in the decision-making process.

And lastly, submission doesn’t mean not taking initiative. In the portrait of a virtuous woman in Proverbs 31, we find a woman described who very capably managers her household, engages in commercial pursuits, gives to the poor, and takes the initiative to make sure her family is well taken care of.

So, all of these are examples of what submission doesn’t mean. Yet, of course, that leads us to the question of what submission does mean. And if you’re looking for a concise definition, I’d say that a wife’s submission means that she encourages, affirms, and follows the godly leadership of her husband. Again, a wife’s submission means that she encourages, affirms, and follows the godly leadership of her husband.

A submissive wife resists the temptation to usurp her husband’s authority even in subtle ways such as talking disrespectfully about her husband behind his back, doing things that her husband wouldn’t approve of without his knowledge, competing with her husband for control of the family, or employing various forms of manipulation. All of these tendencies are rooted in the curse of Genesis 3.

Instead, as the definition I’ve just provided makes clear, a submissive wife first encourages her husband’s leadership even if her husband lacks confidence in his leadership abilities or is hesitant to actively lead for whatever other reason. She also affirms his leadership in her interactions with her husband himself or with the children or with any meddlesome relatives. And third, she follows his leadership even when it’s challenging to do so.

And as we look back at our main passage, Paul says that the reason a wife should be submissive is because this is what’s “fitting in the Lord.” This is the way God, in his infinite wisdom, designed things to operate. And let me just emphasize again how beautiful God’s design is.

In fact, listen to this description of a man and woman figure skating together in the Olympics a few years ago. I believe I originally got this from John Piper, and I’ve shared it before, but it’s just so good, I can’t help but share it again. “He leads her onto the ice and initiates each part of their routine. She receives that leadership and trusts in his strength. His raw physical strength is more on display than hers; he does all the lifting, twirling and catching. She complements his strength with her own; a more…attractive strength of beauty, grace, speed and balance. His focus as the head or leader is to magnifying her skills. Her focus is on following his lead and signaling her readiness to receive his next move. He takes responsibility for the two of them and she trusts his leadership and delights in it. If he makes a mistake, she pays the larger physical price; he pays the larger emotional price. She falls, but he fails! So he has to learn to initiate and risk. She has to help him understand her moves and to endure his learning curve. They do not fight for equality on the ice; they possess it as a given. They are not jostling about fairness. They are focused on doing their part well. No one yells, “Oppressor!” as he leads her around the arena, lifting her up and catapulting her into a triple spin. No one thinks she is belittled as she takes her lead from him, skating backwards to his forward….They complement each other…becoming one majestic whole. No one, least of all him, minds that the roses and teddy bears, thrown onto the ice when they have collapsed into each other’s arms at the end, are for her. It is his joy….When it’s done well, it’s a welcome sight in which both partners are fulfilled in themselves and delighted in the other.” Friends, God’s design for the way a husband and wife should function—with the wife following her husband’s lead—is a glorious and beautiful design.

Then, moving forward in our main passage, Paul gives instructions not only for wives but also for husbands. In verse 19, he says, “Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them.” So, whereas the previous verse directed us away from feminism, this verse directs us away from chauvinism.

Now, it’s helpful to remember that, in ancient culture, husbands often treated their wives like their own personal property. And the laws were in their favor. One New Testament scholar writes that “Under Jewish law a woman was a thing; she was the possession of her husband, just as much as his house or his flocks or his material goods were. She had no legal right whatever. For instance, under Jewish law, a husband could divorce his wife for any cause, while a wife had no rights what[so]ever in the initiation of divorce. In Greek society a respectable woman…never appeared on the streets alone, not even to go marketing…. From her there was demanded a complete servitude and chastity; but her husband could go out as much as he chose, and could enter into as many relationships outside marriage as he liked and incur no stigma. Both under Jewish and under Greek laws and custom, all the privileges belonged to the husband, and all the duties to the wife.”

So, that was the situation in ancient society. And that helps us understand just how radical the New Testament was in the original culture in which it was written. When Paul tells husbands here in verse 19 to love their wives, he’s actually telling them to do something that was quite radical by ancient standards. And the radical and countercultural nature of the New Testament becomes even more apparent when we compare what Paul writes in our main passage to what he says in Ephesians 5:25, where he elaborates on what he means by the word “love.” He says, “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” So, the ultimate model for the kind of love Paul tells husbands to exhibit is the love Jesus has shown toward us. And I’ll just say that’s radical not just by ancient standards but by any standard.

Keep in mind that Jesus loved us even when we were in a downright wretched condition. We were rebellious, unlovely, undeserving, and condemned in our sin. Yet, even when we were in that condition, Jesus “loved” us and, Paul says, “gave himself up” for us. He did that by becoming a man and voluntarily allowing himself to be crucified in order to pay for our sin. That’s where we see the true depth of his love.

In that act, Jesus endured not only the physical agony of crucifixion but also the full measure of the wrath of Almighty God so that we wouldn’t have to face that wrath ourselves. Our sin had to be dealt with; justice had to be upheld. But Jesus acted as our substitute on the cross and thereby evened out the scales of divine justice. Then, three days later, he was raised from the dead, with the result that he now stands ready to save all who put their full trust and confidence in him to do that.

And just like Jesus demonstrated sacrificial love toward us, he calls husbands to demonstrate sacrificial love toward their wives. That’s a lot different than the chauvinistic way husbands have often treated their wives down through the centuries, isn’t it? That’s a lot different than husbands treating their wives like their own personal property or like their servants to be ordered around.

So, with that in mind, let me get super-practical with you and suggest four ways husbands should love their wives. Although this isn’t by any means an exhaustive list, I hope those of you who are husbands will at least find it to be a helpful place to start. First, put her interests above your own. This highlights the “sacrificial” part of “sacrificial love.” What are you willing to give up for the sake of your wife? And don’t spend so much time thinking of theoretical grand sacrifices you might make that you miss all of the smaller ways you can put your wife’s interests above your own in normal everyday life.

For example, assuming it’s within budget, go to the restaurant she wants to go to for a date instead of the one you want to go to, spend Saturday the way she wants to spend Saturday, and do more work around the house so that she has a chance to rest. In Matthew 20:28, Jesus says that he came “not to be served but to serve”—and that should be what you strive to do as well.

Then, a second way to love your wife is to look after her spiritual welfare. This includes taking the initiative to pray with her and to lead family devotions. It also includes encouraging her to pursue a closer relationship with God. And it certainly includes leading the family to be actively involved in church—and, yes, that may involve you being the one to get the kids ready on Sunday mornings. By the way, all of this also requires being diligent to make sure you yourself are in a good place spiritually so that you’re able to minister to your wife’s spiritual needs. You can’t really do a good job leading her spiritually if you’re not doing a good job leading yourself spiritually.

Then, number three is to be emotionally engaged. This involves sympathetically listening to your wife express her feelings (…amen), taking the time to hear her perspectives about various things, showing her affection even when you’re not trying to convince her to be intimate with you, and doing whatever you need to do to remember things that are important to her. So, basically, make sure you’re not just living as her roommate but are actively engaging with her on an emotional level as her husband.

By the way, it’s good to work hard to provide for your family, but there’s sometimes a fine line between working hard and being married to your work. A husband who works hard is doing a very loving thing for his family by providing for them, but a husband who’s married to his work may say he’s just trying to provide, but he’s actually not providing something his family needs just as much as his paycheck. He’s not providing emotional presence and engagement.

And finally, a fourth way to love your wife is to demonstrate patience and understanding. There will be times when your wife sins against you. And even if she’s not sinning against you, there will be times when you simply find her behavior to be frustrating. Yet loving her well involves showing her just as much patience and understanding as you’d want her to show you. It’s also important to always speak to your wife in a gentle and respectful manner. Remember that, in our main passage, Paul tells husbands, “love your wives, and do not be harsh with them.”

So, these are four ways those of us who are husbands can love our wives. And as this list makes clear, loving your wife in a biblical way is something that requires a high level of effort and intentionality. Guys, it’s not going to happen accidentally. No husband is going to look back of the past 20 years of his marriage one day and be like, “Wow, I just accidentally stumbled into being an amazing husband these past two decades by loving my wife the way Christ loved the church. Everything just seemed to be so automatic.” No, that’s not going to happen. You have to be very deliberate about exhibiting the love of Christ toward your wife.

So, as we consider Paul’s instructions first to wives and then to husbands, hopefully it’s now clear that the Bible gives us an alternative to both feminism and chauvinism. And I hope we can all more fully appreciate just how beautiful that alternative is.

Paul then addresses children in verse 20. He says, “Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.” As I pointed out earlier, Paul tells children to do something that’s quite distinct from what he tells wives to do. Whereas he tells wives to “submit,” he tells children to “obey.” This means that when the parent says something, the child does it. And not only should children do what their parents say, they should do it immediately (without arguing or trying to negotiate), they should do it respectfully (without grumbling or complaining), they should do it diligently (without cutting corners), and they should do it faithfully (without trying to find loopholes).

Also, notice the emphatic way Paul speaks of obedience. He doesn’t just say “obey your parents” but says “obey your parents in everything.” The only exception is not doing anything that’s contrary to how the Bible teaches us to live.

I also find the reason Paul gives for this to be very interesting. He says, “Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.” Although it’s true that obedience brings blessing—and there are numerous other passages in the Bible that specifically talk about the blessing that comes from obeying your parents—that’s not the reason Paul gives in this particular passage. Instead, he focuses on this behavior being pleasing to the Lord. God’s pleased when children obey their parents—and that in itself should be sufficient motivation for their obedience.

After that, Paul addresses fathers in verse 21: “Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.” The word “provoke” is also translated “embitter,” “exasperate,” “antagonize,” and “aggravate.” It’s possible for fathers especially to be so hard on their children or to have such unreasonable expectations for them that their children either begin to lose heart or else resent the way their fathers relate to them. So, if you’re a father, be careful not to say things that your children find hurtful or habitually refuse to listen to them or set goals for them that they’ll never be able to meet or be overly critical of them.

Even though it’ll sometimes be necessary to discipline them, it’s also important to affirm them, encourage them, congratulate them, listen to them, connect with them, and just have fun with them. Remember that your goal as a parent should be to win the hearts of your children rather than merely compel their obedience.

So, as we’ve seen today, this passage focuses on four groups of people—husbands, wives, children, and fathers—and tells us how we can experience the greatest possible blessing in and through our family relationships. This is God’s blueprint for blessing. Of course, living in this way isn’t always easy. It’s often quite challenging and runs directly contrary to what our instincts tell us to do.

Yet let’s remember that God gives us these instructions because he loves us. It’s similar to the instructions I give to my kids. I tell them not to do certain things—like dive into a shallow swimming pool—and to do other things—like eat a healthy dinner. And I give these instructions not because I’m trying to ruin their fun or make their life a drudgery but rather because I love them and care about their welfare. And that’s also why God gives us the instructions we find in the Bible.

But we sometimes fail to live according to God’s instructions, don’t we? In fact, if you’re anything like me, you fail quite frequently. It sometimes feels like there’s not a week that goes by when I’m not painfully reminded of how short I fall of the standards God’s laid out for me as a husband and father. And perhaps you often feel that way as well with regard to whatever roles God’s given you in your life. Or maybe you previously thought you were doing okay only to discover from our time together this morning that you actually aren’t doing that great at all.

Thankfully, God offers comprehensive forgiveness to everyone who puts their trust in Jesus. As 1 John 1:9 reminds us, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” And when we continue to struggle—even as Christians—to be godly wives, husbands, children, and parents, God continues to love and accept us. In fact, he loves and accepts us just as much on our worst days as he does on our best days. That’s because God’s love and acceptance aren’t based on our performance but on the perfect righteousness of his Son Jesus. Just as those of us who are parents continue to love our children even when they do foolish things sometimes, God continues to love us even in the midst of our sins and failures.

Not only that, he’s also promised to graciously empower us to walk in his ways to a greater and greater degree through the Holy Spirit. God doesn’t just leave us on our own to do the best we can but has sent his Spirit to dwell within our hearts and shape us into the people he wants us to be and enable us to live the way he wants us to live.

It was this understanding that led Augustine to pray, “Lord command what you will and grant what you command!” Think about that prayer: “Lord command what you will and grant what you command!” Fortunately, that’s exactly what God does. He commands things that are impossible for us to do in our own strength or through our own spiritual resources—as we’ve seen in our main passage—but he then graciously gives us the ability to follow his commands. God commands his will but then grants what he commands.