Genesis 33:1-20: A Reconciled Relationship

Genesis 33:1-20: A Reconciled Relationship

We’ve been working our way passage by passage through the book of Genesis, and today the next passage we come to is Genesis 33:1-20. It says,

1 And Jacob lifted up his eyes and looked, and behold, Esau was coming, and four hundred men with him. So he divided the children among Leah and Rachel and the two female servants. 2 And he put the servants with their children in front, then Leah with her children, and Rachel and Joseph last of all. 3 He himself went on before them, bowing himself to the ground seven times, until he came near to his brother. 4 But Esau ran to meet him and embraced him and fell on his neck and kissed him, and they wept. 5 And when Esau lifted up his eyes and saw the women and children, he said, “Who are these with you?” Jacob said, “The children whom God has graciously given your servant.” 6 Then the servants drew near, they and their children, and bowed down. 7 Leah likewise and her children drew near and bowed down. And last Joseph and Rachel drew near, and they bowed down. 8 Esau said, “What do you mean by all this company that I met?” Jacob answered, “To find favor in the sight of my lord.” 9 But Esau said, “I have enough, my brother; keep what you have for yourself.” 10 Jacob said, “No, please, if I have found favor in your sight, then accept my present from my hand. For I have seen your face, which is like seeing the face of God, and you have accepted me. 11 Please accept my blessing that is brought to you, because God has dealt graciously with me, and because I have enough.” Thus he urged him, and he took it. 12 Then Esau said, “Let us journey on our way, and I will go ahead of you.” 13 But Jacob said to him, “My lord knows that the children are frail, and that the nursing flocks and herds are a care to me. If they are driven hard for one day, all the flocks will die. 14 Let my lord pass on ahead of his servant, and I will lead on slowly, at the pace of the livestock that are ahead of me and at the pace of the children, until I come to my lord in Seir.” 15 So Esau said, “Let me leave with you some of the people who are with me.” But he said, “What need is there? Let me find favor in the sight of my lord.” 16 So Esau returned that day on his way to Seir. 17 But Jacob journeyed to Succoth, and built himself a house and made booths for his livestock. Therefore the name of the place is called Succoth. 18 And Jacob came safely to the city of Shechem, which is in the land of Canaan, on his way from Paddan-aram, and he camped before the city. 19 And from the sons of Hamor, Shechem’s father, he bought for a hundred pieces of money the piece of land on which he had pitched his tent. 20 There he erected an altar and called it El-Elohe-Israel. 

May God bless the reading of his Word.

Let’s pray: Father, we pray according to Isaiah 55 that as the rain and the snow come down from heaven and do not return there but water the earth, making it bring forth and sprout, giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater, so would your word be this morning—that it would not return to you empty but would accomplish that which you purpose and succeed in the thing for which you send it. In Jesus’ name we pray, amen.

I think it’s safe to say that pretty much all of us have been involved in conflicts with other people at one time or another. And it’s almost impossible to overstate the misery that conflict often brings—especially when things get heated. Even though we might sometimes find momentary satisfaction in venting our feelings at someone who’s upset us, conflict as a whole is pretty miserable. Not only that, it’s also exhausting. Between the significant amount of energy it takes to argue with others and have intense interactions with them and the strong emotions that we have to deal with related to the conflict, it’s enough to leave us feeling utterly exhausted. 

And on top of all of that, conflict usually also damages our relationships. In some cases, it can even cause permanent damage. Conflict is often like an acid that eats away at everything it comes into contact with. For example, perhaps you have people in your family who still aren’t talking to each other to this day because of something that happened years ago. To be candid with you, that’s a reality in my own extended family. There are people in my extended family who aren’t talking to other people because of things that happened over a decade ago. And in that kind of a situation, nobody really wins. 

I’m also reminded of conflicts that spill over into the courts and involve legal battles—whether it’s a couple that gets divorced and battles over who will have custody of the children or whether it’s adult siblings fighting over who will get what from their parents’ estate. More often than not, who wins in those kinds of situations? Nobody, right? Except for the lawyers, of course. They typically do very well—because everyone else is shelling out ridiculous amounts of money to purchase their services. But even when money isn’t involved in a conflict, everyone who’s a part of it still ends up losing. They all experience the misery, the exhaustion, and the other harmful effects that conflict brings about. 

And unfortunately, it’s often a downward spiral that gets uglier and uglier and where people become more and more resentful of each other. Person A wrongs Person B, so Person B retaliates by wronging person A, and they just keep going back and forth like that in a vicious cycle with no end in sight. It reminds me of something the rafting guide told us the last time I went whitewater rafting. Right before we got a certain Class IV or Class V rapid, the guide said that, if you fall into the water at that point, watch out because that rapid is a certain kind of rapid that will actually trap you in a never-ending cycle of water. You won’t be able to swim out of it—it’ll just keep thrashing you around and around. The only way to get out of it, he said, is to curl up into a ball. Only then will the rapid spit you out. And that feeling of being trapped in a never-ending cycle is sometimes what it feels like to be involved in a conflict. 

So, how can we escape from the never-ending cycle of conflict and from the downward spiral of interactions with others in which we sometimes feel trapped? Or, to state it differently, how can we deal with conflict in a healthy way—or, even better, in a biblical way? That’s the subject we’ll be looking at this morning from Genesis 33. 

To remind you of the background here, the previous chapters of Genesis record a man named Jacob essentially stealing some very valuable privileges and blessings from his brother Esau. And Esau was so furious at what Jacob had done that he made plans to kill Jacob. Fortunately, Jacob was able to escape and fled several hundred miles away and stayed away for over 20 years. During that time, Jacob became very wealthy. 

However, one day God told Jacob that it was time for him to return home to the land of Canaan. Now, by that point, Esau had moved away to a land south of Canaan called Seir. So, presumably, Jacob could have returned to Canaan without having to cross paths with Esau or resolve the conflict that had torn them apart. However, Jacob decides that the time has come for him to be reconciled to his brother. So, in Genesis 32, Jacob sends messengers to Esau telling him that he’s on his way back to Canaan. 

And that’s a good reminder that we shouldn’t try to avoid dealing with conflict. Even though it may not be easy or comfortable or enjoyable, God calls us to deal with conflict in a direct way and pursue reconciliation to the best of our ability. Now, it might not end up being possible to achieve reconciliation—since we can’t control the behaviors of others. But as Romans 12:18 reminds us, “If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.” So, as far as it depends on us, we should pursue peace with others to the best of our ability. And that involves being reconciled with people we’ve wronged or who have wronged us. 

And that’s what we see happening in our main passage of Genesis 33. After years of separation, Jacob and Esau are finally reconciled. That’s the main idea of this passage. After years of separation, Jacob and Esau are finally reconciled.

Now, the chapter begins with Jacob fearing for his life. Remember, the reason Jacob had left in the first place was because Esau was actively making plans to kill him. And for all Jacob knew, Esau could have been stewing on the situation for the past 20 years and growing even more angry. Not only that, in the previous chapter, Jacob’s messengers had returned with the report that Esau was coming out to meet him with 400 men—which kind of sounds like an army. So, Jacob is pretty anxious about meeting Esau and actually tells his servants to take a significant portion of his flocks and herds and go out ahead of him to meet Esau and give Esau the flocks and herds as a present. 

And that’s where the story picks up in Genesis 33:1-7. Look what it says: 1 And Jacob lifted up his eyes and looked, and behold, Esau was coming, and four hundred men with him. So he divided the children among Leah and Rachel and the two female servants. 2 And he put the servants with their children in front, then Leah with her children, and Rachel and Joseph last of all. 3 He himself went on before them, bowing himself to the ground seven times, until he came near to his brother. 4 But Esau ran to meet him and embraced him and fell on his neck and kissed him, and they wept. 5 And when Esau lifted up his eyes and saw the women and children, he said, “Who are these with you?” Jacob said, “The children whom God has graciously given your servant.” 6 Then the servants drew near, they and their children, and bowed down. 7 Leah likewise and her children drew near and bowed down. And last Joseph and Rachel drew near, and they bowed down.

So, notice first the way in which Jacob humbles himself before his brother Esau. In verse 3, Jacob bows to the ground seven times, which is something people would typically do in the presence of a king. And he also has his family bow down as well. It’s also worth noting that this behavior is even more remarkable in light of what God had previously stated about Jacob. Way back in Genesis 25:23, God had said that “the older shall serve the younger”—that is, Esau shall serve Jacob. Not only that, their father Isaac had pronounced a prophetic blessing on Jacob and said to him in Genesis 27:29, “Be lord over your brothers, and may your mother’s sons bow down to you.” So, Jacob had been chosen by God to be greater than his brother Esau. Yet here in our main passage, Jacob humbles himself before Esau in a notable and public way. 

And there’s a very important lesson in that approach that we don’t want to miss. Reconciliation begins with humility. And that humility is required of both parties but especially of the one who committed the wrongdoing. They have to humble themselves before the person or people they’ve wronged and confess their sin. Look at verses 8-10: 8 Esau said, “What do you mean by all this company that I met?” Jacob answered, “To find favor in the sight of my lord.” 9 But Esau said, “I have enough, my brother; keep what you have for yourself.” 10 Jacob said, “No, please, if I have found favor in your sight, then accept my present from my hand. For I have seen your face, which is like seeing the face of God, and you have accepted me. 

Now, obviously, these verses don’t record Jacob verbalizing an explicit confession. We don’t know whether he made an explicit confession or not. But we do at least see evidence of an implicit confession in verse 10 when Jacob marvels at how Esau has “accepted” him. The implication is that Jacob wasn’t worthy of acceptance because of the way he had wronged Esau. Yet, regardless of whether or not Jacob explicitly confessed his sin to Esau or whether it was merely implicit, the fact remains that, for us today, we need to humble ourselves and confess to others very specifically the ways in which we’ve wronged them. The Bible affirms this in numerous places.  

And actually, the Bible says that we need to not only confess our sins but repent of our sins. Repentance simply means turning away from something. And it involves repenting not just of the outward behavior but also of the inward heart disposition that led to that behavior—the sin beneath the sin, if you will. Because an outward behavior is just the tip of the iceberg of what’s really going on. The majority of it is happening within our hearts. So, if you picture a tree, we need to go from the fruit to the root. The fruit is the outwardly observable behavior that’s usually very obvious. And we need to repent of that outward behavior, but we also need to go beyond that and dig down into the root cause of that behavior within our hearts. 

Typically, this means repenting of what’s often referred to as an idol within our hearts. An idol, in this sense, is anything that we’re worshiping in place of God. So, for example, when Jacob lied to his father and stole the blessing from his brother back in Genesis 27, his outward sins were lying and stealing. But the root of those sins was Jacob’s idolatrous desire for personal wealth and prestige and advancement. Similarly, whenever our behavior results in conflict with other people, there are almost always idolatrous desires lurking in our hearts as well. 

This is confirmed in James 4:1 (NIV), which says, “What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you?” So, going from fruit to root here, the fruit is the outward conflict, while the root is the idolatrous desires of our hearts that have begun to control us. One author named Ken Sande helpfully describes how this process works in his book The Peacemaker. He calls it “The Progression of an Idol.” 

The first step is “I Desire.” This desire could be inherently sinful—such as greed or lust or a desire for revenge—or it could be a desire for something good—such as peace and quiet, respectful children, professional success, or a loving spouse. But what if someone stands in the way of us getting what we desire? Well, that’s when conflict starts to develop. Because instead of trusting God and responding to the situation in a loving and biblical way, we often allow our desire to dominate our lives and therefore selfishly fight to obtain what we desire even if it means acting in an unloving way toward others. 

In other words, our desire—even if it was a good desire at first—becomes a demand, which is the second step in the progression of an idol. “I Desire” becomes “I Demand.” Instead of just wanting something, we become intent on getting it because we think we need it in order to be happy. It’s now something we believe is worth pursuing at almost any cost. 

This then leads to the third step, which is “I Judge.” When other people stand in the way of us getting what we desire, we begin to condemn them in our hearts. We begin to operate with the assumption that we're superior to them, and we allow our hearts to become bitter and resentful against them. We also tend to assume things about their motives that may or may not be true. Yet perhaps the most telling sign that we’ve begun to judge someone is that we’ve stopped loving them and being genuinely concerned about their welfare. 

Then, the final step is “I Punish.” And this is where what’s been happening within our hearts manifests itself externally. We seek to punish those who stand in the way of our idolatrous desires being satisfied. This punishment can take a wide variety of different forms. Perhaps we lash out with hurtful words or even, in extreme cases, with physical violence. Or maybe we take a more indirect approach and try to make someone feel bad for what they’ve done by deliberately sulking around. Or maybe we just withdraw from the relationship and give someone the so-called “silent treatment.” There are plenty of different ways in which we seek to punish other people. 

So, that’s the progression of an idol. It goes from “I Desire” to “I Demand” to “I Judge” to “I Punish.” And repentance involves turning away from that entire progression. It’s not enough to just repent of the outward behavior. We also have to repent of the idolatrous desires within our hearts that led to that outward behavior. 

So, just to review, whenever we find ourselves involved in a conflict with other people, we need to take a step back and think about ways in which we ourselves have contributed to that conflict. And if there is any way at all in which we’ve contributed to the conflict, we need to go from fruit to root and examine our hearts for the idolatrous desires that have been controlling our behavior. We then need to repent of it all—turning away not only from the sinful behaviors but also from the idolatrous desires behind those behaviors. 

And in the context of conflict with others, this repentance needs to be verbalized. Obviously, the repentance begins with us repenting privately to God. But we also need to express our repentance verbally to the people who have been affected by our sin. Thankfully, Ken Sande, whom I referred to a few moments ago, also gives us some advice for this as well. He calls it the “Seven A’s of Confession.”

First, he says, address everyone involved. If you’ve done something that’s affected more than one person, then everyone who’s been affected needs to hear your confession. The circle of confession should be as wide as the circle of offense. In a church I used to attend, there was this one guy who apparently had a bit of a temper, and after the church service one day, I’m not sure exactly what happened, but he just blew up on another guy in the church, and a lot of people saw it. So, the next Sunday, he apologized before the whole church, and I thought that was very appropriate. So, number one, address everyone involved.

Number two, avoid “if,” “but,” and “maybe.” These are the words you absolutely do not want to use in an apology. I’m not the brightest crayon in the box when it comes to social intelligence, but even I know that if I use those words in an apology to my wife, it’s probably not going to go very well for me. “Honey, I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings, but you’re just so sensitive sometimes.” Not the best thing to say. So, avoid those words “if,” “but,” and “maybe.”

Number three, admit your wrongdoing specifically. It’s not enough to apologize for “everything I’ve done against you” or “all the bone-headed decisions I’ve made.” Show them that you understand exactly what those bone-headed decisions were and why you need to be sorry for them. They know what you did, but they need to know that you know what you did.

Number four, acknowledge the hurt. Put yourself in their shoes and think about how they must be feeling, and then say something that shows you understand. Show that you understand how your action harmed the person. Show some remorse for the pain and difficulty you caused. 

Then number five, accept the consequences. Accept that it may take some time for you to earn back that person’s full level of trust. And accept responsibility for any material damage you’ve done and try to make restitution for that—just as Jacob made restitution in Genesis 33 in the form of the material gifts he gave to Esau. Actions have consequences, and if you’re really sorry, a good way to show your sincerity is by accepting those consequences.

After that, number six is to alter your behavior. Have you ever had someone tell you they were sorry for doing something only to do it again soon after? And perhaps the second offense was followed by a second apology, but then, lo and behold, it happens again? I’m guessing that after two or three cycles of that, their apology probably wouldn’t mean very much to you. If you’re really sorry, you’ll change your behavior.

And finally, number seven, ask forgiveness. You need to directly and specifically ask for the person’s forgiveness for what you’ve done. Now, keep in mind that, depending on how serious the offense was, it may take some time for them to be ready to forgive you. In the book of Genesis, Esau certainly wasn’t ready to forgive Jacob when Jacob first stole the blessing. Esau was preparing to kill Jacob. But after he had a 20-year cool down period, Esau was okay. Now, hopefully, it won’t take people in our lives 20 years to forgive us. That’s not what God desires. But it’s very reasonable for someone to need a little bit of time before they’re ready to forgive. So, for a more significant offense, don’t expect someone to be ready to fully forgive you and move on with life five seconds after you ask. But you do need to ask. 

And that leads us to something else we see in Genesis 33 related to conflict resolution that’s very important for us to discuss. So far, we’ve been focusing on what to do in the aftermath of our own sins. But there’s also plenty we need to learn about responding to the sins of others—and specifically the sins they’ve committed against us. According to Genesis 33, our ultimate response to people who sin against us should be to forgive them. 

In fact, this is probably the most notable thing we find in this chapter. The forgiveness Esau extends to Jacob is both unexpected and pretty remarkable. In verse 4, we read about the first thing Esau does when he sees his brother Jacob. It says, “But Esau ran to meet him and embraced him and fell on his neck and kissed him, and they wept.” In spite of everything Jacob had done against Esau—most of which was permanent and couldn’t be undone—Esau demonstrates an incredible willingness to forgive Jacob without any harsh words or attempts to get even or anything. He even tries to convince Jacob to keep the gifts he had brought in order to make restitution. In verse 9, it says, “But Esau said, ‘I have enough, my brother; keep what you have for yourself.’” And that disposition is a wonderful example for us. God calls us to forgive other people. In fact, he commands it. 

So, what exactly is forgiveness? What does it mean to forgive someone? And actually, before we get into what forgiveness is, it might be helpful to first address what forgiveness is not. First of all, forgiveness is not a feeling. Rather, it’s something we do—an act of our will and a commitment we make. Additionally, forgiveness is not forgetting. Forgetting is a passive process in which something fades from our memory, while forgiveness, on the other hand, is very active. Then, finally, forgiveness is not excusing a sin. When we forgive someone, we’re not saying that what they did wasn’t wrong. 

So, what is forgiveness, then? Well, if you’ll allow me to refer to our good friend Ken Sande one more time, he lists what he calls the “Four Promises of Forgiveness.” First, “I will not dwell on the incident.” That is, I won’t keep thinking about it and replaying it over and over in my mind. Second, “I will not bring up this incident again and use it against you.” I’m sure none of you who are married have ever done anything like that in your marriage, right—using what your spouse did a few months ago or even a few years ago as ammunition for a current argument? Of course not. Then, third, “I will not talk to others about this incident.” That would be gossip. And finally, “I will not let this incident stand between us or hinder our personal relationship.” In other words, I’m not going to give you the silent treatment or hold you at arm’s length because of this. So, when we forgive someone, these are the promises we’re making. Again, forgiveness isn’t a feeling but rather a collection of promises we make about these four things. 

However, as helpful as lists like this can be, they can only get us so far. Because it’s one thing to have this list, but it’s quite another for our hearts to be softened toward other people and for us to be in a place where we’re ready to extend forgiveness. So, what can we do when we struggle to find it within ourselves to forgive other people? Well, I’d like to suggest that the answer is actually not to look within ourselves but rather to look to God for the ability to forgive—and specifically to consider the way in which God has forgiven us. 

In Matthew 18:23-33, Jesus tells a parable. He says, 23 “Therefore the kingdom of heaven may be compared to a king who wished to settle accounts with his servants. 24 When he began to settle, one was brought to him who owed him ten thousand talents [that is, millions of dollars]. 25 And since he could not pay, his master ordered him to be sold, with his wife and children and all that he had, and payment to be made. 26 So the servant fell on his knees, imploring him, ‘Have patience with me, and I will pay you everything.’ 27 And out of pity for him, the master of that servant released him and forgave him the debt. 28 But when that same servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii [that is, just a few dollars], and seizing him, he began to choke him, saying, ‘Pay what you owe.’ 29 So his fellow servant fell down and pleaded with him, ‘Have patience with me, and I will pay you.’ 30 He refused and went and put him in prison until he should pay the debt. 31 When his fellow servants saw what had taken place, they were greatly distressed, and they went and reported to their master all that had taken place. 32 Then his master summoned him and said to him, ‘You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you pleaded with me. 33 And should not you have had mercy on your fellow servant, as I had mercy on you?’”

That’s a great question, isn’t it? “Should not you have had mercy on your fellow servant, as I had mercy on you?” When we think about the way in which God’s forgiven us, how can we not forgive other people? The fact is that our sins against God are far more appalling than any sins others have committed against us. Yet God had mercy on us. God the Father sent his own Son Jesus to come to this earth and atone for our sins through his death on the cross. Jesus voluntarily suffered the agonies of the cross in our place and to pay for our sin. Think about that. Jesus didn’t just forgive us. He actually loved us so much that he was willing to die in our place. He endured God the Father’s punishment against sin so we wouldn’t have to. Jesus then resurrected from the dead so that he now stands ready to save everyone who will put their trust in him for rescue. 

So, if God has forgiven us in such a stunning and magnificent way, how could we ever withhold forgiveness from someone else? It’s with this in mind that the Apostle Paul tells his readers in Colossians 3:13 to embrace a lifestyle of “bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other.” He then declares emphatically, “As the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.” So, if we want to be able to forgive others, that begins with remembering the way in which God has forgiven us. The forgiveness God’s shown us in the gospel is the key to escaping the downward spiral of conflict and bitterness and resentment in which we sometimes find ourselves trapped. 

And maybe you’re here this morning and have never experienced this forgiveness God offers. If that’s you and if you want to be free from the bitterness that’s found its way into your heart, the freedom you seek is found in Jesus. When you experience his forgiveness toward you, you’ll find that you have an ability you’ve never had before to extend forgiveness toward other people. 

So, in light of everything we’ve talked about this morning, I’d like to invite us all to take a moment and ask ourselves these two questions. “Who do I need to ask forgiveness from?” and “Who do I need to extend forgiveness to?” Again, “Who do I need to ask forgiveness from?” and “Who do I need to extend forgiveness to?” And if there’s anyone the Holy Spirit brings to your attention, why not start pursuing reconciliation in that relationship even this very day?