1 Peter 3:1-7: Wives and Husbands

1 Peter 3:1-7: Wives and Husbands

We’ve been working our way passage by passage through the book of 1 Peter, and today the next passage we come to is 1 Peter 3:1-7. It says,

1 Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, 2 when they see your respectful and pure conduct. 3 Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— 4 but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious. 5 For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, 6 as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening. 7 Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered. 

May God bless the reading of his Word.

Let’s pray: Father, we’re told that the one who delights in your Word is like a tree planted by streams of water that yields its fruit in season and that has leaves that do not wither. We want to be that tree. So please, open up your Word to us this morning so that we can be rooted in your Word, nourished in your Word, and sustained by your Word. Holy Spirit, use the things taught in this passage to change us from within. It’s in Jesus’ name we pray, amen.One of the greatest gifts God’s given to humanity is the gift of marriage. It’s a gift he intended to be a wonderful source of blessing in our lives. And I imagine that the vast majority of married couples would say that it is. I know Becky and I certainly would. I’ve often told Becky that she’s my my greatest earthly blessing. And she’ll sometimes reply to that by letting me know that I definitely at least make her top five list. 

Yet marriage can sometimes be difficult as well. There are several reasons for this, but one of them is that we sometimes try to approach marriage in ways that are contrary to God’s design. Kind of like a child that finds a pair of toy binoculars and tries to look through the wrong end of them. That doesn’t work very well, does it? Peering into the wrong end of a pair of binoculars isn’t going to help you see any farther and will, in all likelihood, probably obscure your vision. That’s because you’re not using those binoculars the way they were intended to be used. Similarly, whenever we approach marriage in a way that’s contrary to the way God intended for us to approach it, things aren’t going to go very well. It’s going to result in all kinds of difficulties and dysfunction.  

Thankfully, though, God’s given us instructions in the pages of Scripture for how to approach marriage. And one of the places we find those instructions is here in our main passage of 1 Peter 3:1-7. Now, as you probably noticed when this passage was being read a few moments ago, there’s a lot in this passage that’s radically different than the ideas about marriage that are prevalent in our society today. I think we can say that much of it even offends modern sensibilities.

Yet as we explore what Peter writes in these verses, we’re going to see how beautiful God’s plan for marriage actually is. We’ll also see how it’s strikingly different not only from the feminism that’s been pervasive in our society for the past 60 years but also from the chauvinism that’s often characterized previous generations. Make sure you get that. Biblical marriage is an alternative to both feminism and chauvinism. Both the feminist impulse of women rising up against their husbands and the chauvinist impulse of husbands belittling and demeaning their lives are distortions of the beautiful way God intended husbands and wives to relate to each other. God’s plan is for something else entirely—something beautiful and glorious.

And that’s the main idea of this passage in 1 Peter: God has a wonderful plan for the way husbands and wives should relate to each other. Again, God has a wonderful plan for the way husbands and wives should relate to each other.

Now, to remind you of the context here, Peter’s just given us extensive instructions in the second half of chapter 2 about submitting ourselves to our earthly authorities. He’s first told us all to submit to our governing authorities and also told employees to submit to their employers. 

And Peter now turns his attention to wives here in chapter 3. He writes, in verses 1-2, 1 Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, 2 when they see your respectful and pure conduct. 

So, as you can see, Peter doesn’t mince words or beat around the bush when it comes to how wives should conduct themselves but instead states very clearly that wives should “be subject” to their husbands. That phrase “be subject” is also translated as “submit” or “be submissive.”

Obviously, this teaching that a wife should submit to her husband is radically different than the mentality that’s currently pervasive in our culture. And it’s a teaching that’s often difficult for many women to accept. Even many women who have a genuine desire to live for God might find this to be a difficult pill to swallow because, they might wonder, does this mean that women are in some way inferior to men? And that’s a very understandable question to have. The answer, of course, is, absolutely not. 

The Bible’s very clear that both men and women are equal in value, dignity, and worth. First of all, Genesis 1:27 clearly states that both men and women were created “in the image of God.” Both of them bear God’s image to an equal degree. Also, I believe it’s significant that in Genesis 2:21-22, God forms the woman from the rib of the man. The woman wasn’t formed from the man’s head, as if to indicate that she was above him, or formed from his foot, as if to indicate that she was beneath him, but was rather formed from the man’s side, indicating that she was, and is, his equal. So, that’s a foundational teaching that we have to keep in mind. 

However, even though men and women bear God’s image to an equal degree and have equal value and worth in God’s sight, the fact is that God’s designed them to have different roles in the marriage relationship and to function in different ways. So, husbands and wives are equal in value and worth, yet different in role and function. 

And as we seek to put these ideas together, perhaps it might be helpful to compare all of this to something a little more concrete, like the differences between dirt bikes and motorcycles. It’s not that dirt bikes are better than motorcycles or that motorcycles are better than dirt bikes but rather that the two of them simply have different functions. They’re designed for two different terrains and function the best when they’re used on the terrain for which each of them is designed. They’re equal in value but different in function. 

And that’s the way it is with husbands and wives as well. They’re equal but not identical. God’s designed them to have different roles and functions in the marriage relationship. And one of the things the wife’s role involves is submitting to her husband. However, this doesn’t make her in any way inferior to her husband. I mean, just think about the relationship between Jesus and God the Father. Jesus is just as divine and just as important as God the Father and shares all of the Father’s attributes. The two of them are equal in value and worth. 

Yet, functionally, Jesus submits to the Father’s authority and follows the Father’s leading. In John 6:38, Jesus states, “For I have come down from heaven, not to do my own will but the will of him who sent me.” Then, in John 8:28, he says again, “…I do nothing on my own authority, but speak just as the Father taught me.” So, clearly Jesus submits to the Father’s will—and yet isn’t in any way inferior to the Father. And it’s the same with wives and husbands. Wives are no more inferior to their husbands than Jesus is to the Father. 

In addition, another reason I think many wives are hesitant to embrace what the Bible teaches about submission is because they simply misunderstand what submission means and what it entails. So, let me very briefly outline a few of the things that submission doesn’t mean. 

First, submission doesn’t mean agreeing about everything. John Piper phrases it in a particularly memorable way when he writes that “Submission doesn’t mean leaving your brain…at the wedding altar.” As a wife, you’re allowed to respectfully disagree with your husband’s opinions. That’s part of what it means to obey the greatest commandment of loving the Lord your God with all your heart and soul and mind and strength. Think your own thoughts, come to your own interpretations of Scripture, form your own opinions. 

Second, submission doesn’t mean never trying to influence your husband. That’s actually precisely what Peter’s encouraging wives to do in our main passage—to persuade their husbands of the Christian faith. And there are plenty of other areas in which wives can seek to influence their husbands as well. Of course, there are right ways and wrong ways to go about trying to do that. Wrong ways would include nagging their husbands or seeking to manipulate their husbands. But wives can absolutely seek to influence their husbands in a godly direction and with godly means and methods. 

Third, along those same lines, submission doesn’t mean a lack of open and honest dialogue. It’s not like the husband stands up on a makeshift platform in the living room and simply declares his will or issues a series of executive orders about what the family is going to do. Instead, there’s open dialogue taking place pretty much all the time. The husband and wife get together, share their thoughts about things, point out anything they feel their spouse isn’t giving enough consideration to, and gradually seek to come to a consensus about the best way forward. It’s only when that process doesn’t produce a consensus that the husband, at that point, would overrule the wife. But, in my experience at least, those instances are extremely rare. So, there will be plenty of open and honest dialogue in a healthy marriage. 

Fourth, submission doesn’t mean staying in an abusive situation. It doesn’t mean continuing to live with your husband if he’s physically abusing you, and it doesn’t mean quietly enduring the daily cruelty of verbal abuse either. There are numerous biblical avenues for recourse in these situations, and we as church leaders would be happy to walk you through those. Not only do I have absolute confidence that our church elders would take any reports of abuse very seriously, we also have several very capable and experienced female counselors within our church that we can connect you with as well.  

And finally, submission doesn’t mean following your husband into sin. Just a couple of weeks ago, in fact, we looked at Acts 5:29, where Peter and John tell the government authorities, “We must obey God rather than men.” Likewise, that should be your response if your husband tells you to do something that’s contrary to the way God tells us to live: “Honey, as much as I love you and want to be submissive to you, I have to put what God tells me to do above what you tell me to do.”

So, that’s what submission isn’t. Yet that, of course, leads us to the question of what submission is. What does it mean for a wife to submit to her husband? Well, to paraphrase John Piper, submission is a wife’s disposition to honor her husband’s authority, affirm her husband’s leadership, and help him carry out that leadership through her own unique giftedness. Again, submission is a wife’s disposition to honor her husband’s authority, affirm her husband’s leadership, and help him carry out that leadership through her own unique giftedness. This is what God calls wives to do and what will ultimately lead to the maximum amount of blessing in a marriage and flourishing in a family. 

And contrary to what many would say, this kind of disposition on the part of a wife doesn’t in any way demean a woman or turn her into a doormat or rob her of dignity. There’s nothing at all contradictory about being a submissive wife and also, at the same time, a strong and capable woman. I mean, just look at the woman described in Proverbs 31—a woman who’s referred to in verse 10 as “an excellent wife.” In many ways, this is the model wife. And it says that she does many different things to make sure that household affairs are conducted in an orderly manner and even takes advantage of economic opportunities outside the home to contribute to her family’s prosperity. 

Verses 15-18 states, 15 She rises while it is yet night and provides food for her household and portions for her maidens. 16 She considers a field and buys it; with the fruit of her hands she plants a vineyard. 17 She dresses herself with strength and makes her arms strong. 18 She perceives that her merchandise is profitable. Her lamp does not go out at night. We then read in verse 25 that, “Strength and dignity are her clothing….” So, there’s nothing inherently contradictory about being a submissive wife and a strong and capable woman at the same time—a woman clothed with “strength and dignity.”

So, this is how God calls a wife to relate to her husband—with a submissive spirit that honors her husband’s authority and affirms her husband’s leadership. And returning our main passage, we see that the result of a wife relating to her husband in this way is that, if her husband isn’t yet a Christian, he may very well become a Christian. Again, verses 1-2: 

1 Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, 2 when they see your respectful and pure conduct.

After that, one of the manifestations of a submissive and godly spirit that Peter chooses to focus on is the way a wife adorns herself. He writes in verses 3-4, 3 Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— 4 but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious. 

So, it seems as though, back in ancient times, women could easily become preoccupied with their physical appearance and become way too wrapped up in the latest fashions and trends. And women today, of course, face that same temptation. Therefore, Peter reminds them that who they are on the inside is way more important than what they look like on the outside. Instead of being fixated on an external beauty that will soon fade away, women should focus their attention on cultivating what Peter calls “the hidden person of the heart” and “the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious.”

By the way, if there’s any message that particularly young women and teenage girls need to hear beyond the gospel itself, that’s probably it right there. If there’s any message I want my own daughter to hear and take to heart beyond the gospel itself, that would be it. Being beautiful is about so much more than what you look like on the outside. True beauty comes from the heart. 

I also just want to take a moment and observe that this really turns the tables on the accusations many non-Christians make about the Bible demeaning women by teaching that wives should submit to their husbands. In reality, it’s not the Bible that demeans women but rather our hyper-sexualized culture and its superficial view of beauty that demeans women. Our culture puts such an emphasis on a woman’s physical attractiveness that women essentially become objects that exist for male gratification rather than people who are loved by God and created in God’s image. So, not only does the Bible not demean women, it actually elevates them far higher than our secular culture does and gives them a much higher level of dignity and worth. 

Then, after Peter instructs wives to focus their attention on “the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit,” he continues this idea in verses 5-6. He writes, 5 For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, 6 as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening. So, Peter uses Abraham’s wife Sarah as an example that all wives would do well to follow. 

By the way, the fact that Sarah called Abraham “lord”—which she did in Genesis 18:12—obviously sounds a little over-the-top today. Husbands, I certainly don’t recommend any of you try to get your wife to call you “lord.” That may not go over very well. Instead, it’s critical for us to understand that Sarah referring to Abraham as her “lord” was simply in accord with the culture of that day. It was simply a culturally appropriate term of respect—kind of like in the South today where children will often refer to adult men as “sir” and adult women as “ma’am.” So, Sarah was simply showing respect to her husband in a culturally appropriate way. The application for wives today would be to speak both to their husbands and about their husbands respectfully. 

We then come to a major transition in verse 7. After speaking to wives in verses 1-6, Peter turns his attention to husbands in verse 7. By the way, I believe the reason Peter has so much more to say to wives than he does to husbands here is because—if you notice the context both before and after this passage—his focus in this section of the letter is on those who are in danger of being mistreated. That focus naturally leads Peter to devote more space to addressing wives than he does to addressing husbands. Yet Peter does want to say at least something to husbands, so he says to them in verse 7, “Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.”

So, Peter tells husbands first to “live with your wives in an understanding way.” Husbands, it might be good for you to just take a moment and think about what that means for you. What would it involve for you to “live with your [wife] in an understanding way”? A couple of years ago, I was at a conference listening a seminary president named Danny Akin share some thoughts about this passage. Danny Akin’s been married for nearly 50 years, so I really appreciated the opportunity to glean whatever wisdom I could from him. And I unfortunately didn’t write down exactly what he said about this verse, but here’s what I did write down in my notebook—which I assume is relatively close to what he said. I wrote, “Be sensitive to your wife. This involves knowing how she is simply from the way she walks into a room, the look in her eyes, and the tone of her voice. Women speak in code. The actual words mean almost nothing.” So, there you go. That’s the wisdom I gleaned from a man who’s been married for almost 50 years. 

Now, obviously, that's a bit tongue-in-cheek, and we'd never want to disregard the actual words our wife is using to communicate to us. But the point is simply that we have to learn to pay attention to all of the ways in which our wives are trying to communicate with us. That means, husbands, you’re going to have to put in some effort to learn that code and understand your wife. You know, maybe someday—with all the stunning advancements in A.I. that have been taking place—we’ll have an app that translates what our wives are trying to communicate to us. But until that day comes, it’s just going to take a lot of effort. 

And as we seek to “live with [our] wives in an understanding way,” it’s helpful to be aware of the various things about our wives that we need to understand. So, what exactly do we need to understand about our wives? I’d like to suggest three things. 

First, her desires. Understanding our wife involves taking the time to learn the kinds of things she desires and appreciates. For example, my wife appreciates it when I bring her water bottle up to the bedroom when we’re about to go to bed. She also appreciates it when I get things ready for her to have her coffee in the morning. And she certainly appreciates it when I tell her that I love her. That’s a very important desire women have—to hear their husbands say “I love you” on a regular basis. You know, I heard about one husband whose wife told him that she wanted him to say “I love you” more than he did. And he replied, “Honey, I told you I loved you at the beginning of our marriage. If that ever changes, I’ll let you know. But until then, just assume that I love you.” Yeah, that’s an example of what not to do. So, understanding your wife involves understanding her desires. 

Second, it also involves understanding her viewpoints. This requires that you actually listen to the things she says instead of just passively hearing the sounds that come out of her mouth and nodding your head and pretending to listen. I’m sure no husband here has ever done anything like that—but just theoretically, in case any of us are ever unexpectedly tempted to do something like that, we shouldn’t. On a slightly different note, understanding your wife’s viewpoints also involves understanding that she’s different than you. In case you’ve only been married for a couple of days and haven’t figured this out already, your wife—it turns out—processes things differently than you do, she has a different way of experiencing emotions, and she often just views situations in general much differently than you. And part of living with her in an understanding way is learning to recognize and even appreciate those differences. 

And finally, living with your wife in an understanding way involves striving to understand her feelings. This is especially important when her feelings involve her feeling upset about something but is also important in a lot of other situations as well. It’s a truth as timeless and universal as anything else in this world that wives just like to talk about their feelings. And so, living with your wife in an understanding way involves listening to her feelings and even asking good questions that help her express her feelings even more. And then, particularly if your wife is upset about something, there’s an all-important question that you should ask at the end. I didn’t discover this until about seven years into my marriage, and it was a game-changer. After your wife has thoroughly expressed her feelings and elaborated on why she feels that way, just ask her in a gentle and sensitive tone, “How would you like me respond?” In other words, is there anything you’d like to do in response to what you’ve just shared—like, do you want me to try to fix this problem—or did you just want me to listen?” I think, in general, things will go much better for you as a husband if you learn to ask that simple question. 

So, these are some of the things that living with our wives in an understanding way involves—understanding her desires, her viewpoints, and her feelings. 

Then as we continue on in our main passage, Peter tells husbands that, as they do this, they should be “showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel.” Again, this doesn’t mean wives are inferior to their husbands. Rather, the word “weaker” seems to be primarily a reference to a women’s level of physical strength. And let me encourage you not to focus so much on the phrase “weaker vessel” that you miss the phrase “showing honor.” Peter commands husbands to show honor to their wives—and not in a flattering or patronizing way but with all sincerity. Without a doubt, this is a radical departure from the chauvinism that sees to have been common in previous generations and a resounding rebuke to any husband who would demean his wife.

Peter then says that husbands should do this for two reasons. First, their wives “are heirs with [them] of the grace of life”—which seems to be a reference to eternal life in heaven. In other words, women aren’t second class citizens of heaven but are equal heirs of heaven alongside men. They should therefore be treated as such by their husbands. In addition, Peter gives husbands a warning that they should do this “so that your prayers may not be hindered.” In other words, don’t expect God to answer your prayers if you’re mistreating one of his daughters. 

So, that’s the way Peter instructs husbands and wives to relate to each other. And I hope it’s become clear, as we’ve gone through this passage, that this is a radical departure from both the feminism that’s been pervasive in our society for the past 60 years and also from the chauvinism that’s often characterized previous generations. 

In addition, as we’ve gone through this passage, I’m sure it’s been a powerful reminder for all of us who are married—and even many who aren’t married—of how short we fall of the way God expects us to live. The fact is that even the best marriages fall far short of what God’s designed them to be because of the many ways in which both husbands and wives struggle to practice the things Peter mentions in this passage. Wives consistently struggle to honor their husbands as God calls them to do and to display “the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit” that Peter commends. And husbands certainly often fail to live with their wives in an understanding way and lead their wives in a godly manner. In short, we sin—and often bring our sins into marriage and treat our spouse in a sinful way and hurt our spouse and harm our marriage as a result. 

Thankfully, though, there’s good news for sinners like us. And that good news is that God’s sent his own Son Jesus to come to this earth and rescue us from our sins. Jesus did that by living a perfectly sinless life and then dying on the cross to take the penalty for our sins. That penalty, by the way, wasn’t just marital problems but was the actual judgment and wrath of Almighty God that our sins deserved. Instead of us having to face that in hell, Jesus faced that in our place on the cross. He was then raised from the dead and now stands ready to save us if we’ll put our trust exclusively in him to do that. No matter what sins we’ve committed or what messes we’ve made—whether in marriage or in any other aspect of our lives—Jesus offers us full forgiveness and cleansing. 

He also offers us a new ability we’ve never had before to overcome the sinful desires that so often tear marriages apart as well as healing of the wounds that we might be walking around with from the past. Whatever brokenness we might be suffering and whatever problems we might be facing, Jesus is the answer.